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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  October 25, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PDT

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pakistan colder than a witch's-- frozen dessert treat kick. >> two influential human right groups are out with stooeting human rights about u.s. drone strikes overseas the groups claim more civilians have been killed in pakistan than the u.s. has acknowledged. >> the new prime minister is to the going to be very happy about all of this. >> jon: oh, i'm sorry, pakistan. i didn't know you didn't like your citizens being sk sky-ssasinatted on the whims of a foreign superpoer with. we thought you were cool. (laughter) i guess it's unfortunate but good thing is i guess we can just lay low for a while and just get back if touch with pakistan when the wounds aren't so fresh, you know. >> tonight pakistan's prime nawaz sharif is at the white house for his first face-to-face meeting with president obama. (laughter)
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>> jon: awkward. (laughter) boy, that's the sort of meeting where you really need old bull in the room, you know what i mean, something else to talk about. yeah, i know those drone strikes are [bleep] up, but i know, you that bone, look at that, he's licking his own ass. what were we talking about? i tell how obama wishes he was right now, secretary of state kerry. because when this went down kerry had the good luck to be visiting our ally france. kerry's timing could not have been better. >> the timing could not have been worse. as. is secretary of state john kerry stepped off the plane in paris, he was immediately embroiled in an embarrassing controversy between france and the u.s.. >> jon: oh, what did we do france, to cause the controversy? (laughter) what, did we drink out of the bidet again? (laughter)
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what happened, did we call sparkling wine champagne again? we know the difference, we just don't give a [bleep] (laughter) >> jon: did we make a mockery of your most cherished athletic event by having an american live it 7 times in a row through a sophisticated blood doping scheme? that last one we did do, actually? is that what it is? >> the national security agency spied on millions of french citizens, according to the leading newspaper will monde. >> jon: oh, that. hehe. awkward. good thing our top diplomat is on the case. >> at the ends of a day of rapid developments mr. kerry offered this explanation. >> jon: certificate kersey said to the french quote nations be spying, yo! this ambassador knows what i'm talking about. (laughter) actually, that's not really what he said. this is what really what he
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said. >> as president obama said, very clearly in a recent speech that he gave at the united nations general assembly just a few weeks ago, he said we in the united states are currently reviewing the way that we gather intelligence. >> jon: by reviewing the way we gather intelligence, we mean from now on we're going to try and do it secretly. (laughter) in our defense, though, our monitoring 70 million french conferences wasn't es meanage, it's just french phone calls are all so-- like a nationwide sex line, even french people talking about their mortgage payments it's all like oh, monday cherie, o, 2.5% apr apr,-- you are the bank, you must have a teller. (cheers and applause) and by the way, not leak we're-- spying on our other
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allies. >> in what appears to have been a blunt and embarrassing phone call today, the chancellor of ger manny told president obama to stop tapping her phone. (laughter) >> jon: awkward. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, my impression of how that phone call went, hey, how are you, angela, what do you mean? you know how i am. i am always impressive you managed to put a tap on the actual chancellor herself with. who could have gotten close enough to do something leak that, i mean it's-- oh my god! that's what it was. he was-- planting the bug, unbelievable. (applause) >> jon: white house, you've got some explaining to do white house. >> i can tell you that the president assured the chancellor that the united states is not monitoring and will not monitor the communications of the chancellor.
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>> jon: is not monitoring, will not monitor. i think you're missing a tense there. you got your present progressive there and you got your simple future. but you're missing your past progressive, aka the we were not-- where's your past progressive tense, jay carney? by the way, that joke brought to you by grammer. grammer-- (applause) yeah grammar, it's the rules what make your mouth feel dumb. (laughter) >> jon: all right so, pakistan, france and germany might have a few tiny reasons to be mad at us. we can get back from this. >> in mexico many remain angry over reports the nsa hacked into the former mexican president's e-mail. >> the brazilian president said she was forced to postpone a planned trip to the u.s. following reports the nsa spied on her
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personal communications. >> complaints from nearly 40 other countries over revelations that the national security agency has been spying on their internal communications. >> jon: awkward. so what do you say, we have i problem? we're somehow addicted to paranoid snooping on everyone and everything around us. how dare you! i'm so offended! i bid you good day! but as a parting gift if i could just leave this right here-- it's just a-- it's an innocuous poster. don't use it, just when you are saying things, if you could make toast, we would, rest of the world meet me at camera 3. >> see guys, you are all up set we are spying on you and drone striking you and you are really up settlement but i just have one question. have you met us? meddling into your affair for our national self-interest is kind of our thing. we're part of everything we've done since the monroe doctrine don't you get.
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i mean bugging your phones is pretty weak tea for us. do you know how much cigar shrapnel castro is still pulling out of his ass. besides, if it makes you feel any better the government is to the doing anything to you that they are to the doing to us. see, right there, phone, boom, they're spying, get this. they're spying on our studio, and i'm literally saying that into a camera that is going to broadcast. it seems kind of redundant, i don't even know-- okay, i didn't even know about that one. didn't-- did not know about that one. so look, world. you want an apology? fine. we're sorry. that you forgot that we are kind of dicks. (laughter) you know what? all nations act in their own self-interest. don't act like your [bleep] don't stink, it does. and we know because we have a supersecret program that
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it goes through. by the way, germany, you might want to ease up on the-- everything you eat and drink. (laughter) >> france, you don't like our food now, you sure liked it when we 3r handed off the vietnam war-- you could hold this war for us a little bit. we have something to do in algeria, and pakistan, you know that some those drone strikes were at your request. and by the way, when were you going to tell us that bin laden was crashing on your couch. and you, germany, yeah, you-- (laughter) do i really have to justify myself to a country that invaded poland because they thought poland was looking at them funny? so get over it or better yet, turn that frown upside downment don't think of us an an overly aggressive paranoid superpower, think of us as what anyone's looking for in a partner. good listenering. (laughter) a great listener. the best listener in the history of the world.
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so before you say thank you, i would only ask one thing. can you say it a little closer to that toaster? we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: hey, welcome back. so you just saw how things are getting harder and horder for the obama administration. overseas popularity is plummeting. at home health care.gov proving to be the company's fourth least favorite web site following the national zoo's dead panda cam. lou porn, the site that cuts out lou dob's head and puts it over your favorite web stars-- porn stars. one more piece of bad news for the administration. >> a white house inside we are senior level security clearance turns out to have a dual identity. one at work and one on-line.
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>> jofi joseph was director of nuclear nonproliferation issues at the national security council. he had a secret on-line personae operating under the twitter handle nationalsecwonk. >> jon: what did this guy dogs, leak national secrets, tell everyone's biden password, by the way, it's password, i know. >> he was behind anonymous twit heer accounts that took potshots at administration observations. >> jon: oh, so it's like less deep throat and more gossip girl? did this guy bring the snark. >> i'm a fan of obama but his continuing reliance and dependence upon a vacuous siper like val yee jarrett concerns me. so when will someone do us the favor of getting rid of sarah palin and the rest of her white trash family, i'm dying to call out liz chaney for the overweight pig that she is but i remember that mike weighs even more, fail.
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>> jon: that's not snark, that is not even funny, that's just mean [bleep]. the guy seems to have am so issues with women here w what the-- paris-- perez hilton can't you at least draw some dicks and coke on people's faces, just to be clever? and i have to say, man, doing all that stuff on twitter, that is a stupid mood this is the white house. they're surveiling everyone's every move. how long did it take to catch this guy, an hour. >> for months west wing officials searched for the mister quus tweeter. >> jon: we can tap the german chancellor's phone but snarking king was three cubicles away and no one knew what was going on. it's not like he was trying to evade suspicion. >> 16,000 tweets over the last two and a half year, an average of 17 per day. >> presumably joseph had to go out of his way to tweet as much as he did. probably stepping outside of his office to use his personal phone for the snarky tweets.
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>> jon: he stepped away from his desk 17 times a day! and suddenly when he does a new tweet appears and nobody thought anything? did you just think you had a bladder the size of a ping-pong ball? there goes i don't havei, that guy pee more than anyone-- hey, look, a new post, what is this. i can't wait for jofi to get back so i can show him th the-- there is one fact about the story that does stand out to me above all others. >> the followers were some the most influential national security officials and observers in washington. all the journalists followed his tweets. all the officials, and all the people that he was insulting. so he had a very elite readership. >> jon: you hear that and think that is a symptom of washington culture that thrives on gossip and nasdaqiness but i hear someone at the white house knows how to use the internet. and give people what they want. so maybe they shouldn't fire this guy, maybe they put him in charge of running the old
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healthcare.gov. now it could work but obviously when you sign up the message would be slightly more like welcome to obamacare you fat piece of [bleep]. ack.l be rk. .
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>> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight the star of the new film 12 years a slave. >> we traveling. >> it is to the about death t about cooping your head down. >> and my home. now you tell me all that's lost? i know who i am, a way to
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survive. i don't want to survive. i want to live. >> jon: please welcome chiwetel eijofar. (applause) come on! (cheers and applause) >> jon: first of all, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you so much for having me. >> jon: wait a second. this is one of those performances in an acker's career that is-- can be life changing. it's so powerful and so magnetic. and i know you are a humble man and probably tough to take some of that compliment. but do you know when you are producing this performance, does it feel special at the time? do you have a sense that something kind of wonderous
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is happening? >> well, i mean, you know in this project you are just-- i was trying to get as close to -- as i could. i think i read the script. i knew working with steve mcqueen would be quite an experience. i have, what a tremendous filmmaker. >> i think he is exceptional and he was in this. and you sort of it in the end are trying to tell the story, the story was so amazing to me. and hi never heard a story leak it i had never seen a film look it. i had never been-- you know, something that is so inside this experience, inside the slave experience in this way. so moving to me. so day-to-day i guess if you are hoping anything, you are hoping in the end it's going to work out. but you are, i suppose you're just trying to be within it. and be-- weren't. >> and i imagine steve the director has to push you to go to certain places in your mind and in your heart that are impossible to probably
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place yourself into. but the range of emotion, the trials and triblations that this solman, who is a real individual, knows that this is based on his real diary of this experience. >> yeah. >> to go to those places. it must change you in some way. >> well, steve sort of allows it to happen, you know. he kind of just creates a set where every person, the cast, the crew, they all feel, there is a lot of love on that set. it's look a family. and we were all there to try and tell the story as best we could. and he creates an environment where people want to push. you know, everybody wants to give 100 percent to anything, you know, that's why we do it. but it's great to is somebody-- have somebody that kind of encourages that as well, who articulates that in a way and stove does. and that's why i think everybody in this cast was, and everybody on the crew was just so determined to tell the story in the best way we could. >> jon: interesting too, you know. he's obviously a director
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from england. are you an acker from england. it almost-- i wonder if, you know, people are saying it is the most authentic portrayal of american slavery that's been filled. and yet maybe it took a couple of people from england to be able to do it because for us, we would be like maybe we might want to change this one little thing right here. we look kind of like asses right here. was there a nonownership of it in terms of it being the history of your country that helped allow you to go to the places you had to go to? >> that's a good question. i think in the end we were talking about something that was, my first interaction with slavery when i was growing up the whole understanding of it was always international. you know, by definition it was international. and both people from africa, involved an international kind of concept. so i always came at it from that angle. my family's from nigeria and i, and that is where, you
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know, hundreds of thousands of people were taken fromment and so i always had that in my mind, and growing up in britain in the west endie trade and how devastating that was. so there was something about it i think that we all felt was about a story that was-- that involved everybody. that was wider than any kind of nationality in a sense. you know t that we were talking about something that was about human dignity. and human respect. and what those things in the end really mean and how we engage with that. and of course american, and this is a very specifically american story, in the fact that it takes place in louisiana. but it also had this kind of, you know, this sort of wider implication and it felt correct to tell the story, it took a slightly, an element of international. >> jon: universities. >> and what was captured so beautifully, i think by you, the cast, the filmmaker, is this idea of the fragility of freedom.
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this gentleman solman, the wonderful musician with his wonderful family and in a minute it's gone. and he is suddenly cast into this strange limbo. and the fragility of it is almost part of what makes it as heartbreaking as it is. >> i think that's true. i remember when i read the book the first time it was almost as if i had just had this, you know, i started reading it as kind of an objective piece. but then i slipped down the rabbit hole and i was so immersed in the experience. and i felt like this is something that can connect to absolutely anybody. anybody recognizes themselves in solman, and what his journey is and the struggles that we have. and how we deal with our lives in some ways. and what we care about. and that's why it's a film about love in the end. >> jon: well, i'm telling you man, the humanity that you bring to the role, and the just nuances and the layering that you bring to it is just slightly magnificent. it just is i can't
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congratulate you enough. it really is a beautifully moving film and your work in it as well, sou that. and thank you for being here. >> thank you. >> jon: we appreciate it. 12 years of slave. in the theatres now. go see it. 
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. >> that's our show, here it is, your moment of zen. >> law and order svu airs tonight way sex scandal order that seems to be ripped right from the anthony weiner headlines. >> hes had an account. >> to the by name. >> but his alter ego does. ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ (cheesy soap opera theme plays)
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as the curtain rises on our verisimilitudinous tableau, you're no doubt curious as to why i tricked you all into hang gliding here. close-up. it seems someone in this room... is a murderer! (gasps) it's me. but the real question is, which of you is the victim? and that secret... i shall take to my grave. calculon, no! (moans) (calculon moaning, choking) now, that's acting. calculon really shatnered the hell out of that scene. hey, anyone want to go to the aquarium? they got a new non-biting otter. (cheering) sounds great! non-biting otter! fry: wow. aquariums have really changed since i was a boy and no one ever took me to them.

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